Is Social Media Killing Communication?

I’m “plugged in”. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, and Tumblr.  I have accounts on LinkedIn and other such places.  Much of my life is an open book.  I’m sure there are folks who believe that I put too much out there, but I am very keenly aware of what I share.

Being active on these sites has allowed me to stay in contact with friends across the globe.  It’s allowed me to make friends and acquaintances across the country.  I feel well-informed on topics that interest me.  Typically, I enjoy the time I spend networking, communicating and learning in these realms.  Lately though, I’ve begun to question the detrimental effect of social media on “real communication.”

My first red flag came in the vein of cyber bullying.  I’m almost 40 years old, and yet I’m still dealing with the mean girl syndrome.  I don’t know if boys can fully appreciate the concept of mean girls.  These are women who purposely pull down other ladies for the sake of feeling better about themselves.  It’s rampant in middle and high schools, and it’s something that many women never get away from.  Social media gives these girls an outlet to be venomous on a large scale.  No longer is it spreading rumors in the hallways and passing notes, you can now post subversive tweets and status updates for your 452 followers to read.  It’s unnerving.  Instead of talking face-to-face and resolving the concern, let’s passive-aggressively blast someone on the interwebs.

While I was still contemplating the detrimental effects of the mean girls, I started becoming more keenly aware of the concept of “online persona”. Now, don’t think I’m that dense.  I know everyone who has an online presence puts out there what they want people to know or think.  What I mean are people who have multiple online personas.  They pretend to be someone else, and not just in one place either.  Now I know for years authors have been using pseudonyms for various reasons, but how many Twitter accounts does one really need?  And how do you keep up with it all?  Do you know who the real you is?  How can you maintain the duplicity?  I barely have time for my single account.  I'd have to toss out my kids, work or training if I tried to do anymore.

I think the most concerning piece for me came this morning in the form of an email epiphany.  And I am incredibly guilty of this one--using my social media to send a communicate with someone. I don't mean posting on their wall or sending a direct message.  Instead of texting directly, emailing or calling, I write a blog, post a song, or a veiled phrase that communicates my meaning, with those “not in the know” none the wiser.  Now this began as a fun game.  It tested my quickness, my ability to discern and encrypt and I enjoy the smile that many of those messages give me. But when I had a blog sent to me this morning, I realized how skewed my reality has become.  I used to believe I was a great conversationalist and that I was easily approachable.  Has that changed?  Have I neglected it in favor of the quick and easy approach? 

Without a doubt, social media, social networking is here to stay.  I think the real test is to figure out what role it plays.  Is it your main means of communication?  Is your digital world your new reality?  How can the two be blended in a beneficial way? I can say this for me, after I hit publish on this, I’ll be picking up the phone to address the blog. And I won't be posting a link to this one on Twitter . . . it is what it is, you know?

Making Friends

I was talking to one of my friends earlier this week.  She was slightly worried because her beau finally told his mother that he was dating someone.  (There's a LONG back story to this that I can't divulge and isn't really pertinent at this time.) And she is slightly worried about how she and his mother will get along when they meet.  Her comment regarding this was something to the effect of this:  "I don't really have girlfriends.  I do better with guys.  The few close girlfriends I have are like me."  Now, this was not an epiphany for me.  We met each other through our boyfriends being friends, and while those relationships have long since faded, our friendship has stood the test of time.  But our conversation got me thinking about making friends, and how difficult it is to make friends as an adult.

I would say if I had to use the high school term BFF, those are two ladies in my life who fit that bill.  My friend I mentioned above, and a friend I've known since kindergarten.  I can honestly say I trust these girls with my life and secrets.  I would drop everything if either one called and said "I need you". And I know they'd do the same for me.   

Now one could argue that the reason these friendships are my closest is because I've known these ladies so long--21 and 35 years.  The closeness has had a long time to develop.  But at the same time, I don't see or talk to these ladies as much as I see and talk to others.  Yes, at one time I hung out with each of them on a daily basis, but life keeps us from having those frequent interactions now.

I have a fairly large circle of friends I've made since becoming an adult.  (Age wise, not behavior) None of those friendships have developed into anything near what I share with M and S.  I wonder why that is.  Part of me thinks that as we get older, we get jaded, less likely to trust others.  Or is it because those rolls are already filled for me?  I wonder because I don't have the daily high school or college interaction, or the time to hang on the phone daily, if those relationships are nurtured the way my earlier ones were.  I'm not really sure. 

I can say this, I agree with my friend M and her comments about doing better with guys.  The guys I've befriended over the years don't play the passive aggressive, mean girl games that I've seen from so many of my gender.  I get exhausted second guessing myself about who I offended this week simply because I have a bit of snark in me or because I won't give into popular opinion.  Oye!  The other things I can say is that I am extremely lucky to have M and S.  I will go days or weeks without talking to or seeing either of them, yet I have the safety net of knowing they're there for me.  I know when I pick up the phone, stop by or jump on a plane, we'll begin where we last left it, like we've never been apart.   

124/365: Girls' Night Out

I can't say as I remember the first time I met Shannon, it just seems as if I've always known her.  I know we have photos together from the school picnic parade when we were in kindergarten.  Stacey moved to town in second grade, but was in a different class.  We met in Mrs. Lucas' class in 3rd grade.  That was more years ago than I want to count.  By all rationale perspectives, the three of us shouldn't be friends.  We lead incredibly different lives and hold very different interests, yet I know at any time I could pick up the phone and call and ask for something and either one of them would make it happen. 

We don't see each other or talk as often as we should, so tonight was special.  Shannon had a birthday last week, so we went to dinner to celebrate before heading to a party for another classmate of ours.  It amazes me how easy our conversation is, how willing we are to share details with each other, even though we'll go weeks or months between conversations.  Ours is a friendship from a simpler time, from a time where you swapped peanut butter and jelly for extra potato chips.  We have lived through friendship beads, leg warmers, junior high, big hair, birth, break ups, divorce and death together.  Ours is a friendship that has withstood the test of time.  It's a safety zone for me.  It's a warmth inside.  I can't quantify it or measure it.  I can't explain it.  I can just feel it.  It's like that pair of warm, fuzzy sweatpants you reach for when you've had a rough day.  It envelops me with a comfort that lets me know everything will be ok.

Class of '90 Together Again

How times have changed . . .1990 Prom, 2010 Class Reunion.

I had great ideas about this entry on Saturday night . . . of course I don't know how many of them would have actually been coherent had I sat down to write then. Not that I overindulged to the point of non-coherity, more that I had so much running through my mind that I don't think I could have followed a made it all flow smoothly.

I thought about starting several ways:

My name is Suzanne and I am a chubby. I've been thin for four years.

or

There is a sixth dimension beyond which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the sunlight of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area that might be called the Reunion Zone.

or

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life.

or

Digging up my senior yearbook and looking at the superlatives and see how accurate our naive predictions were.

In the light of Monday, none of those seem quite right though. I didn't know if I could hold the theme of any of them through the entire post. And my level of snarkiness has definitely receded. What I do know though, was that Saturday night we brought together over a third of the class of 1990, something that hasn't been done in 20 years. There were lots of laughs, lot of memories shared, and lots of missing those who didn't attend.

We had a five year reunion in the city park. I didn't attend. At the time, high school was too fresh, too close. While I had great times in high school, I won't ever tell you those were the best years of my life. Like I've said before, I was a big girl. I believe my prom dress was a 12 or 14. I was 20-25lbs heavier than I am now. And I was probably an inch shorter. My freshman year was horrific because I had a crush on a senior boy. His girlfriend and her friends bullied and terrorized me. My sophomore, junior, and senior years each got better, but I didn't enjoy life then nearly as much as I do now.

Since 1995, to my knowledge, no one has tried to put a reunion together for whatever reason. Last fall we went to Klucker's 20th reunion and it spurred me into action. I wasn't letting another year go by. I emailed, Facebooked, called, surveyed and tried to spur my class into action. I struggled to get people on board. All in all, I think we had six people, including me, attend our planning meetings. In the end, it was three of us who did the work. We graduated around 64, and had about 69 total in our class including those who dropped out or stayed an extra semester. We found all but four of them.

My prediction early on was that we would have 20 classmates attend, with guests, so a total of 40 people. I got worried when our RSVPs were slow to trickle in. The Friday before our deadline, we had four people attending. A few emails and Facebook posts spurred people to action. By Friday night, we knew there should be 24 alumnus attending.

Saturday night arrived and as I got to Tiny's, Kerri, Shelly, and Rob were walking up. I haven't seen Shelly and Rob since graduation. Shelly was glowing, she's in such a better spirit than I ever remembered seeing her. We got settled and set up and other started to arrive.

My beautiful besties . . . thankfully some things never change!

By evening's end, I believe there were 27 members of the class of 1990 in the room. I recognized most of them at first site, but for a few I needed to hear their voices. Time (and expensive skin creams, gyms and plastic surgery) has been kind to some of my classmates, and others have fought it tooth and nail. Regardless, the people in the room had, at one time, played a major role in my life.

The CHS Class of 1990. My how we've conquered the world!

It was interesting to see, as we sat down for dinner, how quickly old cliques reformed. Columbia has always been a cliquish community and even 20 years later, that had not changed. That being said, throughout the evening I think everyone spoke to everyone. Old grudges were pushed aside as we got reacquainted.

I was amazed as reminsced. There were so many memories I had forgotten and perceptions of events that were very different from mine. I realized many things to which I had apparently been oblivious. I pondered the effect time has on our minds.

This morning we sent out a feedback form to see what others though of the event. I am interested to see if my perception of the evening matches other's. The question that most intrigues me is why people chose to attend or not to attend. Twenty years out from high schoo, things have changed for many of us. We've started and ended relationships and carrers, have families and lives outside of what consumed us at CHS. One of my co-conspirators for the event remarked that he thought a good number of people would attend to "show-off" what they had become, and others would not attend because of where they are in the lives. He's probably on track there. I think there is a bit of curiousity involved as well--like eavesdropping on a conversation. People came to see what happened to their classmates. Is his life still a train wreck? Did she gain weight? I'm surprised he graduated, much less got a job. Ah, human nature.

I can say there were no huge surprises for me. It was fascinating to see how time had cemented personality traits. Those quirks that were there at 16 because full blown qualities at 26 (ok, 37 you caught my math). In high school, the circumstances of being stuck together in a small school forced friendships. Many of them developed because of the situation, I was amazed to see how many of those relationships had withstood the test of time.

I don't miss high school. I don't want to go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now. I don't regret high school either. High school and all of the fun, traumatic, goofy, gory, amazing things that went with it gave me a set of experiences and skills that set events in motion that got me where I am now. High school gave me some amazing friends who are still vital parts of my life. As S.E. Hinton (one of my favorite authors from that era in my life) said, "If you have two friends in your lifetime, you're lucky. If you have one good friend, you're more than lucky." Saturday night reminded me I'm much more than lucky.

Friendship Defined

I got this in a mass-forward email a few months back. It’s not the first time I’ve read this, but for some reason, this time, I didn’t delete it.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I’m not sure why I didn’t delete it when I first received it this time. I’m not a big fan of forwards, and I’d read it on other occasions. I’m thinking about it today for some reason.

I think I’m on a friendship kick. What is a friend really? If you look at my Facebook page, I have over 1,600 friends listed…and that’s down from the 2,000+ I had on there in January. Most of those folks are in my mafia and I’ve never met them, but they’re on my “friend list.” If I drill down further to the group I created “Real Friends” it causes me more thoughts. I’d venture a guess that that list has 300+ people in it. Some of them are people I see and talk to on a regular basis, some are former students or colleagues, some are family members. But how many of them are truly, truly friends?

My “old friend” Merriam-Webster tells me:
Main Entry: 1friend
Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free
Date: before 12th century
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4 : a favored companion5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker
— friend·less \ˈfren(d)-ləs\ adjective
— friend·less·ness noun
— be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with

Webster’s definition is much more inclusive than mine. My definition of friend is something like this:
1a: one that I communicate with on a regular basis
2a: one that for whom I would drop anything if they asked
3a: one that can read my mood before I even open my mouth

I could go on for a few more definition lines, but I think you probably get my point. A friendship is not something I take lightly, it’s something I highly value and hold in great esteem. That brings me to the point of this entry. I’m tired of part-time and pretend friends. I’m tired of putting on and playing nice, knowing that I may or may not send me to voice mail the next time I call. I tired of leaving a friendly message, not to hear from you for weeks, or sometimes months. If I hear, “let’s get together soon, I’ll call you next week about dates” one more time, I may tell you to F yourself and hang up. I don’t have the energy to keep up the act and to play these middle school games.

I understand that adult lives are busy. Hell, I work 40-60 hours per week, train another 11-15 hours, and somehow fit in being a mom and a wife—not to mention trying to be a daughter and a sister. I get it. I get that my schedule is different from others; I don’t see many other runners/cyclists out at 4AM. I get that our interests and priorities may be different now than they were when we first met. So then were we ever truly friends? Or was this a relationship of conveniences because we shared a similar experience? It’s OK with me to admit that. We can be acquaintances who shared some powerful moments together whatever they may have been. Don’t bastardize the word friend to me though. If you want to call me that, or want me to refer to you in that sense, step up. I am busy, and I don’t have time to play games that are senseless.

I’ve been culling my friend list on Facebook. I have been deleting my mafia buddies and reexamining the connections with others. If you read the paragraph above, you’ll see that I don’t have time to keep up with senseless drivel or cause request or other drama that constantly plagues some. Sorry if you don’t make the short list, but then maybe it’s time to reflect on why you sent that request or accepted mine in the first place. If you were just curious or nosy about my life, I’m doing just fine. Save the friend request and just give a call next time.