Chronic FFGS

Sometimes I forget I have FFGS. I live my life normally, eat pretty sensibly, do my workouts and wear my size 4 clothes. I put on my tall heels and pencil skirts and head to work without giving much thought. I am appreciative of the comments from the men at my indigenous QT and I rarely stop to look in a mirror.

Occasionally something happens though and it stops me dead in my tracks. And I remember. This time it was two things, back-to-back. The first started on October 8. I stepped on the scale and it read 140. The same on October 9, and again the next day. I got clammy. My heart started palpitating. My weight shouldn't be this high, and not three days in a row. I knew the problem. Overeating and poor choices on light or rest days. Alcohol and ice cream are my weaknesses. So I logged into livestrong.com and started my calorie counting again. And then comes my birthday. Klucker got my favorite for my birthday, cheesecake. I couldn't say no and hurt his feelings. I had run that morning and had prepared for a larger evening meal so I didn't exceed by that much.

By Thursday, I was down two pounds. I try to keep my weight around 134 and give myself a two pound leeway in both directions. I was feeling better and knew there was still hard work to be done. I spiked again on Sunday but dropped back down to 138 by Tuesday. And that's when the second shoe dropped. Pictures from Sunday's race.

Now unless you're 5'4" and weigh 105, spandex doesn't look good on women. It doesn't hide imperfections. But seeing myself on the bike, in racing form, with my tummy hanging there was too much for me to handle. I'm now obsessing over it. I googled 1,400 calorie menus so I can have a plan on Tuesdays and Fridays when my workouts are light. I can quote the calories in almost every salad at St. Louis Bread Co. And I know how many calories I'll burn if I push my run harder than normal. What I don't know is when this will go away.

I was a chubby, one of those girls with a "pretty face." I lost a lot of weight in college only to gain a good portion back when I started teaching. I lost it again when I got married, only to gain it back within a year. So the yoyo has gone. I made up my mind when I was pregnant with Bella that I would never hit double digit clothing again. I wouldn't be one of those moms who wore mommy jeans. And, so far, so good. But it's a constant battle, mentally and physically. It tires me. And I want to have to not worry about what I eat or getting a workout in. I long for a metabolism that will let me have ice cream and beer in the same day. I wish I could justify that bratwurst after the cx race, but I know exactly how many calories I burned and those won't be on my meal plan this season. I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm just venting. And figuring out how hard I have to ride so I can have that margarita tonight.