Placing Blame

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101008/ap_on_re_us/us_bullying_one_town

I saw this story linked in someone's Facebook status and the headline caught my eye, "1Ohio school, 4 bullied teens dead at own hand." That's pretty emotion evoking. I then read the poster's editorial which stated, "This is the school district from hell. How many more children must die before the administration takes steps to halt the bullying? Read this article: these bullies actually laughed and ridiculed one of thier victim's appearance when she was DEAD and in her coffin!"

Someone else then responded, "I can't even begin to make myself click on that article. It is so disgusting that our society has become so self-absorbed that we can't consider how our words and actions may affect those around us. I hate this bullying epidemic that is happening."

Before I go any farther, I need to specifically state my heartfelt sadness for the families and friends of these teens. I can't imagine the grief and pain they feel. I am in no way belittling their loss or suffering.

Now I have been trying to censor myself as of late after twice being admonished by a peer for my words. Believe it or not, I am a pleaser by nature and it tears at me when I am corrected. In this case, however, the article and subsequent commentary cuts too close to home on so many levels that I posted my own response. And being as those little boxes aren't that big, I had to limit my rant. And, frankly, I have more to say on this subject.

Bullying is nothing new. It has been an epidemic forever. People are mean, people are cruel. It's not excuseable. It's not acceptable. And I look at the situations described in this story from several points of view, as a victim, as an educator, and as a parent.

I was called fat, told my legs look like tree trunks, was pushed down the stairs, stopped on the street while I was riding my bike and threatened, and called countless names while I was growing up. Did it hurt my feelings? Yes. Did it damage my self-confidence? Absolutely. Did I cry sometimes? A lot. Did I tell anyone at school? No. Did I tell my parents? No. It's not that I didn't trust the school. It's not that I "couldn't" tell my dad. It's just that I figured that there was nothing they could do about it. What was the school going to do, tell them to stop? Oh, then the targeting really begins. What would my parents do? Call their parents? Again, when the adults aren't around, the hazing would get even worse. So what did I do about it? I developed a thick skin. I became determined that I would live the kind of life that would prove the insensitive kids wrong. I worked on a quick wit and a great sense of sarcasm to have snappy come backs. I also knew when and I where I was likely to see those people and avoided them. Now, that wasn't always possible as was the case when they stopped me on a public street, but overall I managed pretty well.

More than managing pretty well, those experiences prepared me for life in some respects. Bullying doesn't stop at the schoolhouse doors. There are cliques and cool kids in the grown up world as well. And there really isn't anyone to run to when your boss happens to be the bully. I've seen people excluded from work situations because of who they are and how they dress. I've heard them gossiped about because of comments they made in meetings. And I'm savvy enough to know that I've probably been the topic of conversations by those same people as well. It doesn't make it right, but it does happen.

As an educator, a former teacher and principal, I want to scream over this story. First, I would be distraught if any student of mine died, much less if they took their own life. Trust me, these "school officials" have asked themselves a thousand times over what they could have done to prevent the deaths. I have implemented anti-bullying programs. I have worked with kids on how to not allow themselves to become victims. I have spoken to bullies, disciplined them, brought their parents in for conferences. Do I think it made a difference? I think working with kids to stand up for themselves helped, but the rest was like a garden hose on a forest fire. I don't think schools should stop their efforts or ignore the problem, but when do we stop expecting schools to be everything for everyone? Schools, in their purest form, are education institutions. They have morphed in to restaurants (2 meals/day), social service recource center, daycares, mental health agency, and in some cases, medical facilities and correctional institution. And by the way, make sure all of your kids, even those who access every service you provide, can read and write on grade level on a specific day in April. (I'm not the slightest bit bitter.) It is ridiculous to think that a school, even the most caring and proactive one, can eliminate poor human nature. And it's preposterous to place blame on the school. Would we even begin to do that to the parents, who are ultimately the ones responsible for the raising of a child?

As a parent, my heart aches. I don't want to imagine the pain and suffering of losing a child. I also know that I've started working with my own children on self-advocating and how to avoid falling victim to bullies. Boo and Bella have both come home from pre-school talking about name calling and pushing and hitting. We talk about the situation and how to react when it happens. We talk about avoiding the aggressor. We talk about staying near adults so there is always a watchful eye. And I'm sure it will only become more prevelant the older they get. I try to build their self-confidence as well, setting them up to learn how to deal with difficult situations at home so they can handle what life throw at them. More than that, however, I talk to them about how to not be a bully--how to be a nice kid. We talk about mean behavior and work on empathy.

I want to believe that the media thinks it is doing a service for kids by calling attention to the situation. But sometimes a spotlight is a bad thing. Teens see suicide as glamorous, an easy way to escape the demands of life. Schools often see strings of suicides because it tends to gain momentum because the victim is glorified after their death. It shouldn't be hidden, but tantalizing headlines and memorializing tragic, needless deaths only serves to perpetuate the problem.

I trust that the school in Ohio is working with students on dealing with grief and learning empathy. I hope that parents are stepping up and partnering with the school and not bashing it. But most of all, I pray that the troubled souls of the students who took their own life are at peace and remembered lovingly by all.