And They Lived Happily Ever After

I've been thinking a lot about relationships. Several people close to me have been struggling and as I listen and try to coach them, it's caused me to reflect on my belief system. What is happily ever after? Why do some relationships make it and others fail?

I'm a mixture of an idealist and realist. I grew up believing in the fairy tale and happily ever after. Juxtapose that against my real life and parent who didn't get along. There were many times I wished they would divorce so life would be simpler. Sprinkle those pieces with my mother who filled my head that successful=married. I know, I'm a psychologist’s cash cow with all my issues! I won't turn this into a biographical essay regarding my relationship mistakes, but I do need to process my thoughts on how it all fits together.

Relationships are hard work. Fairy tales always end with the kiss or the wedding and the "and they lived happily ever after" line. Really? How did Snow White react when her prince was supposed to be home before 3 and got there at 4:45? What did she do when he repeatedly left dirty dishes in the sink? What Prince Charming did think when Cinderella worked late three times last week? And then fell asleep on the couch and didn't want to have sex? The rush you feel at the beginning of the relationship fades quickly and it takes hard work, flexibility, compassion and out and out desire for a relationship to last--from both of you. One person can't keep it going.

I've also learned that I would rather be happy and alone than miserable and with someone. Even though I can now say my parents were right about many things, my mother was dead wrong on her thoughts on marriage and men. I don't need a man in my life to have a great ring on my finger. I'll buy the damn 2 carat diamond of my dreams myself. Heck, K was too poor when we got engaged to even get anything close to the bling I wanted. And now if I'm getting a piece of carbon, screw the diamond. I want a fabulous frame or component. I alone am responsible for my happiness. I cannot control someone else. But I can control someone's role in my life. And if that person being in my life makes me unhappy, he needs to go. I have been very clear, maybe even a little brutal--he is in my life because I want him there, not because I need him. For me, it makes both of us work harder at being a good partner. Because if that want ever goes, I will pack his bags--been down that road once already.

It is at the core of my person that your partner be in your life because of want, not need. (Neediness is unattractive to me.) But, the realist in me comes out when I say that it is impossible and unfair to expect your partner to be your everything. No matter how much you love someone, are in love with someone, he or she cannot fulfill every need you have. The trick is how to get those needs fulfilled and that, to me, is how many relationships get in trouble. A friend of mine recently said, "There is nothing wrong with whetting your appetite somewhere else, as long as you come home to have dinner." To me that is a great metaphor. You may have a girlfriend with whom you dish about the latest gossip. You may have a co-worker who shares your love for sushi or great coffee. You may have a guy on your weekly group ride with whom you flirt shamelessly. That's all ok. And I know there are folks out there who seek other outside fulfillment and still can manage to have something left for whoever is at home. (I'm inclined to reserve judgments). My point is, if you want to have a long lasting relationship, celebrate a 50 year anniversary, you have to take the blinders off and take care of yourself. Someone who is unhappy with herself can never be truly happy in a relationship.

I can respect that people will disagree with me. I do wish fairy tales were true. But the realist in me knows that if I want glass slippers, I better be searching out that perfect pair of Manolo's or Jimmy Choo's and be prepared to lay down my own platinum card. We each have to live our own truths, as colored by our own experiences. And more than that, we each have to be able to sleep at night, knowing what we know.