Hello, my name is Suzanne and I suffer from the Superwoman syndrome. It's been 15 minutes since I last tried to multi-task and be everything to everyone.
I don't know how I got to this point. I mean, I can trace things backwards to some degree, but I can't specify the origin of my problem. Why I feel like if I can't do everything, and do it well, I am a failure. I don't hold others up to the standard I set for myself; it's my own personal cross to bear. In my mind, it was never an option to me to be anything else than what I am now, in a philosophical sense. I had knew in fourth grade I was going to graduate school, although then it was for a JD instead of the PhD. Here was the plan I had in mind when I got out of college: married by 25, principal and PhD by 28, married with a house and two kids by 30. Sounds nice, neat, and simple, huh? Simple!?! Who the hell was I kidding? And on top of that, I believe a wife/mom should cook meals at home, attend kids' events, decorate and entertain. Oh yeah, and I believe she should work hard to stay fit and attractive for her husband. I'd like to b!tch-slap the fool who filled me up with these notions.
How'd I do on that plan you might ask? I got married at 26, and divorced at 28. I finished my master's at 25, PhD at 30. Building principal at 27. Bought my first house 28, two kids by 33. Oh yeah . . . and I did remarry because being a single mom was never part of my plan. When some of those arbitrary numbers hit, I freaked out because I hadn't met my goal. I know I let myself believe I should get married the first time because I believed I needed to if I was going to be a "successful" woman. And for quite a few years, I didn't have a lot of fun because it wasn't in my plan. It's funny to me now, I look at clothes as I put them in the Goodwill bag, at 28 I was dressing like I was 45 because I wanted to be taken seriously as a professional. I wore sensible shoes with low heels for Pete's sake! WTF?
So, what's my shtick and why am I blogging about this now? I will tell you. Although I can reflect on my plan and poke fun at it, I am still in recovery and I have FREQUENT relapses. These past few weeks I've fallen into a bad pattern. I'm stuck in a "yes" mode. Mommy, will you make me a pick up kid this week? Sure. Can you organize this event? OK. Do you want to do this race with me? Yeah. Will you handle this problem with a former employee? You got it! Can you come visit? Sure. Can I come visit? I would love it. Wanna add an extra workout to your schedule? Absolutely. You get the idea. I don't say no well and once I commit, I believe in follow through. I truly believe "A (wo)man's worth is her word." So if I yes, I mean yes and I hold to it, no matter how inconvenient, costly, or possibly painful it is for me. This belief caused me a small panic attack yesterday. I've way overcommitted myself right now. And somehow, someway, I need to find a way to get it all done without letting other things fall to the wayside. And, I don't know if it's possible. At least possible in the reality in which it is set right now. But I'm working on it.
First, I made a list. Then I prioritized what I must do and what the deadlines were. I delegated some pieces to the more-wonderful-than-not Klucker. I then asked myself questions about why I was doing what I was doing and what the most important part of those things were. E.G. why did I feel the overwhelming need to run Godzilla Saturday morning? To see my friends . . . who I wouldn't get to spend time with because I'd have to jet out as soon as I was done and to get a workout in that I could pretty well do from my front door, earlier, not causing me to miss my flight. So my heart rate has lessened and I can breathe easier and I will see my kids this week and not get report to DFS as a neglectful mom. But I still have a twinge of guilt for not completing things I planned to complete. Plus, I'm not confident I've learned my lesson. And it worries me that my daughter that I'm setting my daughter up to believe in the same mythic Superwoman creature which I worship.
Don't forget to add to that list: Order a cake for a party that you can't attend b/c you have dropped everything to be a great friend. (and you can check that one off as completed too).
ReplyDeleteI think you are Superwomen already! Even without your to-do list of Superwoman activities, you are an excellent mother, wife, althlete and friend.
Enjoy your trip!